party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
