did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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