I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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