I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
