So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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