We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize