I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
