I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
