I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
