I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
