I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
