now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
