saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
