I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
