how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
