Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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