my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize