I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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