This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
