im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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