ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
