Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
