So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
