Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
