My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
