If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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