drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
