So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
