I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
