I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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