He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
