i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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