I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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