I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
