last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
