I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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