If that was your dad, he is hot
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
