Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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