He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
