The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize