normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
