The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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