I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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