I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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