I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize