did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
