never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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