How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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