U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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