She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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