thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
