Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
