I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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