Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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