Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
