if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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