So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
