I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
accomplished twins. life is a go
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize