He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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