i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
