I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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