just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
