He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
